pieces of me

been months and months not updating this blog.

main reason being i dont have much courage to face up to the fact that a period of events i wrote about is now in the past. it hurts so deeply to see how my world can change so dramatically in just a matter of months. and strangely the world around me seems to go on as usual and in a very normal way. in other words, i felt strangely left behind..and alone.

going home has been a tough learning experience for me: feels so much that i am like the Isrealites wandering around in desert after being rescued out from Egypt. tough living conditions. but in the midst of all this, i dont want to be like them. i want to appreciate in the midst of all these, God paradoxically is closer, esp when one is broken. however, being a creature that have a tendency to walk by sight rather than by faith, i found myself stumbled in trying to find God during this time.

to me, the silence of God is hugely deafening in the past few months.

been thorugh a cycle of ups and downs, with most of the time in depression modes.frankly, i feel ashamed to even admit my negative feelings - afraid to talk, afraid to share for fear that i burden people when what i experienced is so trivial compared to the huge issues in the world, and also, every human being got their own burden to carry.

going home, i found myself having to restart all over again. financially- i am at the very rock bottom. social network- the number of friends i have close access to can count with fingers. spiritually - no fellowship near at hand unlike previously in uk, when i was enveloped in so much christian warmth daily. relationship wise- painfully, i still havent found that someone. career wise- no posting yet.

despite of that, i know i have to acknowledge that i am grieving, to face up to the fact that i am already in a different phase of life, in order to find God's healing and allow Him to rebuild my life virtually from scratch. In this matter, i think i have much to learn from a baby or a child - to still know how to smile at the end of day even though they have so much to learn on how to execute simple tasks such as walking, talking and playing.

Also, throughout all these,to remind myself that God's grace is very sufficient indeed. to accept that i may take a long time to pick and build myself up, but its all right because at least i try.

therefore, help me God to keep You in sight always. to be courageous and count it all joys to face up to trials and temptations. and in the process, be an inspiration to people around that God, You are always good. All the time.