July 2011.

I am coming back to the blog. Cause i need to voice out whatever was in my heart. The very reason why i didnt want to continue blog in the first place is i thk i got so many things i want to say and i may just end up wasting time doing useless thing. but time has proved me wrong. i need an outlet to express- especially when i dont have people around that i can voice out / vent out frustration/ cry. It has became so unhealthy that i am scared i will either bottle up til explode or i will lose the ability to communicate to people around me. So many a time now when i am on the phone, or talk about heart matter, i dont know where to begin. i just cry and cry and then ..pick myself up and said i am ok when actually i am not. well, what can i say? i dont want people to worry. and i dont know how to express myself. those that hear me cry will say it is ok, u think too much. wel, i know that and i have been trying to limit myself from thinking. until i found myself reducing to just an empty shell, drifting most of time through life. Things have been repeating itself like this for months, till at the end i just dreaded heart talk/ talk about my life. i will often steer the conversation to another topic . just please dont let it be about me.

And the problem just got worse. Because all i need is a patient listening ear, one that is non-judgemental. It is really tiring and my soul is near desperation . But one consolation from all these is God still remain faithful because He allow me to cling on Him when i absolutely find no ounce of strength / purpose to carry it on anymore. He is the one sustaining me day by day: smiling or doing my job when all i wanted to do is cry and lay in bed and waste my life away. It is really difficult.

So if u happen to read this, please spare me a prayer - for help in guidance, encouragement and direction in my life

pieces of me

been months and months not updating this blog.

main reason being i dont have much courage to face up to the fact that a period of events i wrote about is now in the past. it hurts so deeply to see how my world can change so dramatically in just a matter of months. and strangely the world around me seems to go on as usual and in a very normal way. in other words, i felt strangely left behind..and alone.

going home has been a tough learning experience for me: feels so much that i am like the Isrealites wandering around in desert after being rescued out from Egypt. tough living conditions. but in the midst of all this, i dont want to be like them. i want to appreciate in the midst of all these, God paradoxically is closer, esp when one is broken. however, being a creature that have a tendency to walk by sight rather than by faith, i found myself stumbled in trying to find God during this time.

to me, the silence of God is hugely deafening in the past few months.

been thorugh a cycle of ups and downs, with most of the time in depression modes.frankly, i feel ashamed to even admit my negative feelings - afraid to talk, afraid to share for fear that i burden people when what i experienced is so trivial compared to the huge issues in the world, and also, every human being got their own burden to carry.

going home, i found myself having to restart all over again. financially- i am at the very rock bottom. social network- the number of friends i have close access to can count with fingers. spiritually - no fellowship near at hand unlike previously in uk, when i was enveloped in so much christian warmth daily. relationship wise- painfully, i still havent found that someone. career wise- no posting yet.

despite of that, i know i have to acknowledge that i am grieving, to face up to the fact that i am already in a different phase of life, in order to find God's healing and allow Him to rebuild my life virtually from scratch. In this matter, i think i have much to learn from a baby or a child - to still know how to smile at the end of day even though they have so much to learn on how to execute simple tasks such as walking, talking and playing.

Also, throughout all these,to remind myself that God's grace is very sufficient indeed. to accept that i may take a long time to pick and build myself up, but its all right because at least i try.

therefore, help me God to keep You in sight always. to be courageous and count it all joys to face up to trials and temptations. and in the process, be an inspiration to people around that God, You are always good. All the time.

Better than ell-lu-vi (LV)...

IS a girl named LM!=P

I know of her when in 1st year pharmacy... as a girl that is very very VERY punctual!


but it wasnt till we live under the same roof in Wyeverne - the "slug" house, that i get to know her better. Funny enough, the three ppl living there had almost similar taste till we also got same style of pencil! Talk about real life examples of birds of the same kind flock together!

Our friendship grows day by day. Mind you, she got lots of unusual talents, like..killing flies with a sling, and playing online games. haha. she is also my favourite slug-buster!!*yeah heroin, gogo*

Since becoming housemates, whenever there were events or places to go, we almost always went together

Be it to London, or to faraway countries like Portugal and Prague (and Malaysia?=D)


And ohya, got to mention the one and only St Davids Day fun we had.. not bad not bad. after living 4 years here, at least we went once o_+

Dont see her quiet quiet like that, but she got lots of influential power eh.. like teaching me chor tai ti till pro, so pro till i like lab works because my fingers became more and more agile! =P

See what i mean?! She notty ho?

She makes me such a card addict! ohno...Think Darren can testify to that. Everytime he walked into the living room, we always "cun cun" playing cards, and somemore these happens during our preparation for exam-the time when we were supposed to be busy. kakaka. Ok ok, dont get me wrong, we also got study ok?!

There are lots of crazy things we did together too, like singing random songs while walking on the street, esp those children songs we often heard while still young, like there is nobody else in the world or we own the street. Embarassing for other ppl around us i know, haha..but i like the "spontaneous-ness"(is there such a word? lol) and who cares, so long as it makes us happy singing that songs. AND we make the world a happy place, weee!!

Other crazy things we did was...
*.tadaaaaaaa.*

Bake cake at night!

Ok, i know this photo did not show us in our best form.. me in my "scottish" (quote Hellier) pyjamas, but i likey! cause it captured our truest self, and precious moment we spent together. Heeehee, you know we even had a record of baking three cakes in a row IN a single night! Poor Jacky had to taste our "amateur" cake (or should i say lucky?!)

*our first banana cake*

And she is my food tasting and coffee kaki..erm, no no. think should call her cafe kaki to be more precise, since she is so anti-coffee. hehe.

*i like the top photo: no, please dont look at the coffee, look at the background. LM's signature style. lol -what ever makes you happy-

We tasted so many different breakfast out there that i think discovery channel/lonely planet should seriously consider hiring us for food review.

oops, its upside down. never mind, u get the idea.^_^

We like to pan leng leng and play dressing up too. haha. which girls doesn't?

Taken when deciding what to wear for FOD 2009. LM wearing her 1st baju Melayu..hard to believe she is from kelantan, right? =.=

However, in the end, we choose these to wear:~

To be true chinese! (okok, in my case, half then. haha)

Thanks to her too, i get to know lots and lots of lovely friends that i will otherwise not know.

These bunch of people are so real, true and kind. A case in point is like cooking us delicious dishes like this!

*Yum yum. har mee!! tell me how to find in UK! VERY difficult lo..*

Its really amazing how fate makes us meet. In malaysia last time, we studied in the same college, living in the same block of apartment, did almost the same kind of activities..but we never met till in UK!(well, apart from she catching a glimpse of me during interview that is. hahha. i dont know how she remembered seriously, seeing that erm...she doesnt remember faces well?=p this means i must be unique la..=P)

Anyway, regardless of how we met, one thing is for sure:the memories of the time we spend, be they good, bad, happy or sad...they will always stay in my heart. I got lots of things i need to jot down here, but words remains words. They can be used to accomplish much but not everything.

The same goes for photos as well

Happpie belated birthday Lee Lay Ming! a.k.a my single-mama that papa always taken for granted.=p(sorry for the delay dear, but better late than never right?=D)



~Wish you all the best in growing!~

(this post was originally written on 19/4. So ya, technically speaking, i set an amazing record in delayed publification !o_O)

lalalalalalalalala=)

These days, it seems i am on this roller coaster ride...FYP had a lot to do with it. Sometime, i wondered why there are so many obstacles along the way. But i guess, these tough experiences would make me treasure the outcome more, no matter good or bad.

Shared my testimonies last night, the second one since the start of the new year. One to the youth and another unexpectedly to my beloved english SF. I got to say painful experiences are hard to let go...u let go but they can come back again to haunt you at unexpected time. However, i know i have said these thousands of time, but i am glad in my life journey, i never go alone. And so good, i am being made new daily! Thats why if there ever was doraemon (eh, i wished there is actually, cause i want to feel how bottomless is his belly pocket! lol), time machine etc etc, i will still choose the path i walked before. As there were also lots of wonderful memories that went with them. Eg, eating the food u planted yourself...oooh, sweet! haha. thank you God.muah.

Love, as i grow older..becomes more and more complex. It makes you cry, angry,agitated but it also makes you smile. To be precise, it is mysterious, like God. Haha, mysterious but so warm, so close and surprisingly very simple actually. Just some reflections i did during morning devotion.

Lol..."emo" post? well, got to strike a balance in between writing my very "intellectual" report.

Will update one interesting post soon. Stay tune. kakaka

Mighty rock

Oh! sometimes the shadows are deep,
And rough seems the path to the goal,
And sorrows, sometimes how they sweep
Like tempests down over the soul.

And then to the Rock let me fly
To the Rock that is higher than I
O then to the Rock let me fly
To the Rock that is higher than I!

Oh! sometimes how long seems the day,
And sometimes how weary my feet!
But toiling in life’s dusty way,
The Rock’s blessèd shadow, how sweet!

And then to the Rock let me fly
To the Rock that is higher than I
O then to the Rock let me fly
To the Rock that is higher than I!

A song shared by one of my friend -which happen to speak to me as well

Somewhere over the rainbow.

Today i dont know should i cry or should i laugh...

Went into the lab as usual. Other ppl got holiday, never mind..i am in my final year, so it follows that i need to do more; the ears were so scarred and ugly, never mind.. not my first time encountering this situation; the epidermis section were so lousy and the stench were unbearable, never mind.. you cant always ask for perfect skin and pig, which pig doesnt stink, right?? But but........not when they got fleas!o.O........=S......=.=

I freaked out when i saw one, and thought that was THE one and only. But, no...after a while, i felt somethg moving on my head. Got LM to check, and my worst fear come true. Big big flea. Ok, calmed down, at least it is big so can detect easily. Yet, after a while, on close inspection on the pig skin i held, so many of the disgusting creatures, very minute that i mistaken them for dirt! Got agitated by then, and thank God i realized this at the very end of my work. and God protected me, i dont have them swarming over to me.

Ok, on hindsight, it is not that bad. At least, for doing this work i HAD BEEN doing once every week for more than a month now, this time i got PAID. Oooh, cold hard cash of 40 pounds! Havent got them, but i wont rest till i got them! hahaha*evil laugh* ... and yours truly believe a priceless fruit is growing within her. AND ohya, please, she is also very clean now ok?!=P (directed to certain ppls)

Btw, looking at this kid cheer me up:

So geng right?*clap clap*

My true self???

Saw this personality test a couple of weeks ago when my friend tagged me on FB. Didnt appeal to me much initially since there are tons of tests out there that we dont even know who designed it... So why waste time? But then i saw gong gong described the test consisted of something like ".....walking down some paths". Wow, i thought....could be just the thing i need to destress my mind and hey i always like imagining myself walking somewhere. So this got to be a test made for me! Lol.

And after less than 10 mins, THIS is the result. Hmm, not sure whether i should take all the advices on board.

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Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them. ~Hmm, this is not the first time i heard this. I very mysterious meh?! i think myself too simple a girl. Maybe its because i dont find myself having interesting facts to share with others?~

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior. ~i guess this is true to a large extent. I am scared of failures, getting hurt and being vulnerable, hence my cautiouness in relationship. And i am not a person that let go very easily , so once i am in, i need to be sure its the right one. Sigh, i wish i dont think that much! but never mind i have God, who is the best matchmaker in the world! heehee.. And what? more open minded? Hey, how am i supposed to know someone is hiding their charm? fooh! so diffcult. You tell me test.. how much "open" is open-minded?

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person. ~to the 2nd part, i do hope so~

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love. ~amen!=D~

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life. ~THIS sounds so much like my grandparents. lol~

How do you view success

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying. ~Yes, man! How else should i think?o_O~

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel. ~very true indeed. But over the years, i have learn to let go of myself slowly. And i am glad to say though the notion of losing control is still scary, things that i cant control so far are actually among the BEST experiences i ever had! How paradow human fears can be~

Who is your true self

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve. ~oooh, i thought i always follow my feelings more than head..no??!=.= confusion confusion~

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*This test helps me to learn a thing or two about myself, but it also reveals a million things more that i dont understand about myself! haha. Hence, my advice: dont take the test unless you are very curious and kepo like me!!=P*