July 2011.

I am coming back to the blog. Cause i need to voice out whatever was in my heart. The very reason why i didnt want to continue blog in the first place is i thk i got so many things i want to say and i may just end up wasting time doing useless thing. but time has proved me wrong. i need an outlet to express- especially when i dont have people around that i can voice out / vent out frustration/ cry. It has became so unhealthy that i am scared i will either bottle up til explode or i will lose the ability to communicate to people around me. So many a time now when i am on the phone, or talk about heart matter, i dont know where to begin. i just cry and cry and then ..pick myself up and said i am ok when actually i am not. well, what can i say? i dont want people to worry. and i dont know how to express myself. those that hear me cry will say it is ok, u think too much. wel, i know that and i have been trying to limit myself from thinking. until i found myself reducing to just an empty shell, drifting most of time through life. Things have been repeating itself like this for months, till at the end i just dreaded heart talk/ talk about my life. i will often steer the conversation to another topic . just please dont let it be about me.

And the problem just got worse. Because all i need is a patient listening ear, one that is non-judgemental. It is really tiring and my soul is near desperation . But one consolation from all these is God still remain faithful because He allow me to cling on Him when i absolutely find no ounce of strength / purpose to carry it on anymore. He is the one sustaining me day by day: smiling or doing my job when all i wanted to do is cry and lay in bed and waste my life away. It is really difficult.

So if u happen to read this, please spare me a prayer - for help in guidance, encouragement and direction in my life